How To Screw Up Your Kids

Posted: 12/24/2009 in Current Events, Family relationships, Internet, Media Literacy, Music, Parenting, Television, Video Games

Screwing up your kids has never been easier, more affordable—or more fun.

While few adults would admit they actually desire to screw up their kids, their actions speak louder than words. In reality, the overwhelming majority of blitzed American parents have abdicated their role as the primary shapers of their kids morality, virtue, and work ethic.

While this may seem problematic, thankfully an army of teachers—as well as the media elite, cultural icons, and complete strangers—are filling the void, serving as surrogate parents so you can chill out and do your own thing.

Most adults, whether they mean to or not, make choices which screw up their kids. If that’s you, don’t feel like a slug—you’re actually in good company. Indeed, you are in the growing majority of negligent adults. I say it’s time for the guilt trip to stop.

You have every right to medicate, placate, and arbitrate the peace in your home while assuaging the guilt you may feel for missing their birthdays, their school plays, their sports—or their entire childhood—in order to pursue the things that you really want.

Contrary to what the smug guilt-mongers amongst us may say, purchasing the latest music for your kids with messages recorded by tattooed child molesters, gang members, addicts, perverts and hookers is a good thing—it’s good for the economy, it’s good for the psychotherapy industry, and it’s good for pharmaceutical manufacturers.

Likewise, creating a family library filled with a host of hot new DVDs featuring the latest from Hollywood’s pro bi-trans-gay-leso-curious-seeking-swinging-exhibitionist crowd is as American as, well, American Pie.

Let’s not forget that there’s an entire multi-billion dollar entertainment industry and a cadre of left-leaning, Ritalin-prescribing educators standing at your beck and call to make sure your kid has no chance of leaving adolescence unscathed.

So, when it comes to Follywood’s hottest DVDs, CDs, video games, Internet access, or books, go ahead, be apathetic. Buy whatever Junior wants. Clearly, whoever said “garbage in = garbage out” had no idea what they were talking about.

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